Ah, holiday travel—the most wonderful time of the year… if you’re a masochist. For the rest of us, it’s a test of endurance, a true exercise in patience, and a reminder that you are, in fact, a speck of dust in the vast, chaotic universe of air travel. From long lines to slow-moving security checkpoints, it’s as if the travel gods have conspired to turn every step of your journey into a spiritual awakening—albeit a frustrating one.
Let’s start with the lines. Oh, the lines. You’ll spend more time in lines than a rollercoaster enthusiast at an amusement park. First, the check-in line, where you’re reminded that “self-check-in” is just a polite way of saying, “Please wait in line so our overworked kiosk can briefly entertain you before breaking down.” Then, of course, the security line, where the delicate dance of watching the person ahead of you fumble through their belongings—taking out laptops, keys, and belts—makes you wonder if you should’ve just packed an emotional support animal instead of your sanity.
Once through security, it’s time to find your gate, which, of course, will be as far away from you as humanly possible. Maybe you’ve got a few minutes to grab a snack, but beware—this is where the true test of your patience begins. You’ll watch as an entire row of travelers waits for their boarding group to be called, only to have that one intrepid “Group 8-er” leap to their feet the moment Group 1 is called.
This is when you’ll see it: the slow, steady creep of humanity, inching their way to the gate like sardines in a can, with this rogue traveler, their eyes locked on the prize, nipping at your heels like a dog eager for a treat. They may not have a ticket for Group 1, but they’ll be there, breathing down your neck as you silently calculate how many centimeters closer they are to their precious seat. The seats, which, as we all know, are never actually worth the stress—after all, it’s not like you’re going to be sleeping comfortably for the next seven hours.
At this point, you have several options. You can stare death rays into the back of their head, willing them to shrink into a ball of shame. You can engage in passive-aggressive sighing. Or, if you’re someone who’s really trying to find inner peace, you could practice a few calming breathing exercises—because, honestly, that’s what you need right now. If breathing and counting to ten aren’t quite cutting it, a calming herbal tea might help, provided you don’t mind standing in a line for ten minutes to find one of those elusive cups of chamomile.
If that doesn’t do the trick, well, there are other remedies for those of us over the age of 21. Edibles, Xanax, and other “chill-out aids” can be your ticket to a smoother ride through the madness. But of course, if you choose that path, be sure to consume responsibly—and by “responsibly,” we mean before you board the plane, not while you’re darting past the beverage cart.
Ultimately, if all else fails, remind yourself that you’re not alone in your misery. The person next to you is likely contemplating similar ways to survive this ordeal. As the plane finally ascends and you buckle into your 7-hour flight, remember: You’ve survived the holiday airport gauntlet. That’s worth something, right? Maybe next year, you’ll just drive.
